Embracing My Sexy

In a world obsessed with superficial ideals and changing (but always narrow) definitions of beauty, being a morbidly obese woman often means navigating a minefield of societal judgment and prejudice. From being labeled as undesirable to facing relentless pressure to conform to unrealistic standards, the journey to finding my sexy was anything but easy.

But in the noise of societal expectations, I knew that I had to start on a journey of self-discovery and self-love, reclaiming my right to feel confident, sensuous, and undeniably sexy in my own skin.

Defying the odds

As a super fat Black woman, there are times that I felt like an outsider, pushed the sidelines by society's subtle glances of disapproval or outright discrimination. I've encountered it all. But with each dismissive look and not so quietly whispered comment, I've found the strength to defy society's expectations and rewrite my own narrative.

I refuse to be defined by my size or be forced to attempt to conform to society's standards of attractiveness. Instead, I choose to celebrate my fat, my confidence, and my unapologetic embrace of who I am as a woman and a sexual being.

Learning to love and enjoy my body was a long journey filled with challenges and self-doubt. In a world that constantly bombards us with images of thin white women, someone who looks like me is definitely not fully embraced. As a child and teenager, I developed a thick skin and really did not feel that my job in life was to pursue societal attractiveness.

This is not the same as seeing my body a vessel of strength, resilience, and pleasure. This meant learning my body all over again. I realized that I was disconnected from my physical being. I took myself for granted. When I was engaging in simple activities, I had to pay attention to how my hands moved over the keyboard, how my arms stretched out when I was doing my physical therapy, how my foot arched. My body became a little symphony of moves that I found were graceful on their own.

Defying the doubters

Believing in myself and my right to exist as a morbidly obese woman in a society that often seeks to marginalize and invalidate me was a revolutionary act of self-love and defiance. I refused to internalize society's toxic messages of unworthiness, choosing instead to stand tall in my own truth and embrace my inherent value and worth.

I am more than my size; I am a multifaceted, complex, and inherently valuable individual deserving of love, respect, and acceptance. Those are the feelings that create a sense of sexiness and comfort in one's own body.

I made a conscious effort to refuse to be boxed in by society's arbitrary definitions of attractiveness, choosing instead to make up my own rules. I rejected the notion that I had to lose weight to be sexy, recognizing that true sexiness emanates from confidence, self-assurance, and authenticity. I challenged myself to challenge the societal norms that roamed around in my head and that attempted to diminish my worth based on my size. I had to use my heart and soul to advocate for a more inclusive and diverse definition of beauty that celebrates bodies of all shapes, sizes, and colors ... in my own head!

Connecting with myself

In my journey of self-discovery and self-love, I found solace and joy in activities that brought me closer to myself. Whether it was indulging in self-care days, immersing myself in nature, losing myself in the pages of a good book, or escaping into the world of gaming, I discovered that a true sense of sensuality and fulfillment come from within. By prioritizing activities that brought me joy and nourished my soul, I forged a deeper connection with myself and cultivated a sense of inner peace and contentment.

Embracing my truth

At the heart of my journey to finding my sexy lies a profound sense of physical self-awareness that I am morbidly obese and I am sexy, and I am unapologetically me. I will not allow anyone to tell me otherwise. I am beautiful, I am powerful, and I am undeniably sexy, and no amount of societal pressure can take that away from me.

As I stand short in my truth, I am reminded of the empowering words of Right Said Fred – "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts." In a world that seeks to diminish and invalidate us, I choose to reclaim my sexy, my power, and my worth. And in embracing my truth, I have found the ultimate liberation – the freedom to be authentically, unapologetically, and undeniably myself.