Losing Weight and Finding Myself

All of my life I wanted nothing more than to lose weight. Even in elementary school I was the fat kid but nothing we did could keep the weight off me. By the time I was in high school I was around 265 pounds, and by the time I had graduated college I was up in the 300s.

In my late 20s I decided to have the gastric sleeve performed. Finally the pounds started dropping and I was finally feeling better. But losing weight turned out to be a lot different than I anticipated.

The physical challenges of weight loss

After having the gastric sleeve done, I began to shed weight quickly. But with losing weight came challenges. I had to get used to eating so, so much less food. I would have to trick myself into thinking I had eaten more by using smaller plates. If I ate too much I’d physically suffer. My stomach would hurt and often times I’d end up sick just because there wasn’t space to put anything else in my stomach. I had to learn my new physical limits.

I also had more pain for a while after losing weight. My body had to shift and my frame had to adjust to the new weight and boy did my joints ache. I wore a knee brace for about 6 months before my body stopped hurting so much. But I did find that the more I moved the better I felt. Doing things like yoga and walking helped to keep my joints loose and helped my body through the adjustment period.

With the extreme weight loss came some skin issues. I have loose and sagging skin in places like my arms, belly, and thighs. The physical challenge that this poses for me is how it makes me fit into clothes. I could probably wear a size smaller than I do currently if I didn’t have the sagging that I do. I know that eventually I will be able to get the skin taken off but in the meantime I must handle the challenge. For what it’s worth I’ve managed to come to terms with my extra love handles and no longer feel so insecure about them.

Grief and the mental game

The hardest part I’ve had to face during my weight loss has been the mental game I’ve had to play with myself in coming to terms with the changes my body has made. I had to mentally make myself believe that I was eating more than I was in order to lessen the grief I suffered at the lack of food I could eat.

I really did grieve through the weight loss process. I didn’t expect that to happen at all but when we’re so accustomed to eating anything and everything in copious amounts we struggle to make strict changes. Eventually though I was able to get through all the stages of grief and I was able to look at food differently. Rather than looking at it as a treat to myself I was able to look at it as fuel for my body and I was able to eat the things I needed without feeling the loss of a way of life.

Struggling with self-image

My mental image of myself didn’t keep up with the physical changes my body made, and I felt like I was still over 300 pounds for a very long time. I would still allow for extra space around me when I was walking around things or behind people, I still wore the bigger sized clothes until they would literally fall off me because I still felt like I should fit the bigger size.

Then as I lost weight I struggled for a while with the sagging skin because I felt like I looked deflated in all the places that society has taught us to be attractive. While I’m good with my body now it took a lot of time before I was able to look at my body and not dislike what I saw. I had assumed that losing weight would fix how I felt about myself, but I realized that it would take a lot more work mentally than physically to become happy with myself.

Becoming happy with myself

I had to realize that my happiness wasn’t going to be a number on the scale. Even though I liked seeing the smaller numbers on the scale I still struggled with liking the way I looked. I made myself not become obsessed with the numbers on the scale though because I knew that losing too much weight would not make me any healthier than I was before I lost weight.

Slowly but surely I was able to reconcile myself with my mental image and realize that my body is my body. I’m not going to be given another one and that I need to love the one I have.

So I started focusing on the non-scale victories rather than the numbers on the scale. When I was able to drive without my stomach touching the steering wheel, I celebrated. When I was able to wear my first goal size, I celebrated. When I was able to fit into the rides at an amusement park, I celebrated. It was these types of celebrations that I feel helped me find my way back to loving myself just as I am.

Loving yourself can take work, but it's the goal

At the end of the day the goal is to love who you are. Regardless of size. It’s a process that takes work. Sometimes physical as well as mental. Be happy with who you are in your body. Losing weight is hard enough to do without criticizing ourselves about the things we didn’t expect. Allow yourself to celebrate your hard work. Find those non-scale victories. And remember that who you are doesn’t change because your size does. Love yourself no matter what.