The Tiny Critic in Your Head

Remember that phrase we used to taunt our friends: "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me"? I really wish that had been true for me. I’ve always been what would be called "sensitive." The negative things people would say about me always struck me to the core, and I could never really shake them off.

This was especially true for me where my size and weight were concerned. Not only was I heavier than many girls, but I was often taller than them (eventually stopping at 5'8"). I remember my teacher in fourth grade told me I should probably start wearing a bra because my weight had given me breasts earlier than most girls. I remember a girl in the fifth grade asking me if I was pregnant because of how my belly extended out.

I remember being a freshman and a girl suggesting I wear a proper bra rather than a sports bra all the time so that I would have some shape other than round. I recall how every health issue I had as a kid was blamed on my weight by my doctor. I also recall all the times my own mom would say I needed to lose weight.

Our mental reflection

Our mental image of ourselves is created more from outside voices and influences than how we look in a mirror. My mental body image was distorted by all the above plus some. Yes, I was a large woman, weighing in at 320 pounds in my mid-20s, but if we were to go based on my mental image, I would have been much larger than that.

I always feared I wouldn’t fit in rides or booths because of my size, even though physically I would manage okay. My inner critic, that little voice created all those years ago, would pipe up and ask, "Can you really sit there?" or "Are you sure that chair will hold you?" Or even, "Maybe you shouldn’t be eating so much if you really want to lose weight," etcetera, etcetera, and so on.

It wasn’t until I had made the decision to have the gastric sleeve done that I really began to look at myself differently. I realized that the only problem with being so heavy was that it was leading to further health issues for me, and it slowed me down when trying to keep up with my kids. Other than that, I was still a beautiful human.

Confidence comes and it goes

At times, I still feel less confident than at other times, and I let that little voice get louder than necessary in my head. But over the years, through the ups and downs in my size, I've realized that the voice inside my head is telling me nothing but lies about myself.

My mental image more closely resembles my physical image now as I near 40. I've finally come to the conclusion that those who might have something negative to say about me don't know me well enough to see past my outward appearance. Instead, they base their judgments of me on my size, shape, or personal aesthetic.

Find Your Peace

Allow yourself, no matter your weight, shape, or size, to find peace with your mental body image. As I’ve come to say, I’m not everyone's cup of tea, but I may be someone’s cup of coffee. Just because one person may have something negative to say about you does not mean that that is all you are. You are a unique and beautiful person. Despite what that tiny voice in your head might try to make you think.